zen and the art of cheeseburgers

i'm really good at cooking meat.  true story.  and i've cooked a lot of it.  i don't really eat vegetables.  it's not that i dislike vegetables or take any moral issues against the agricultural industry.  i just like meat.  and eggs. and beans.  and whole milk.  these are generally the things i subside on.  i'm a bit of a viking and my doctor tells me i am healthy and extremely fit.  that being said, it was brought to my attention that i should share some thoughts on meat.  a treatise perhaps.  today will be cheeseburgers.

1.) you want a lean to fat ratio of 80/20 ground chuck.  fat renders before lean meat and experience tells me that this ratio works best at the chemical level of cooking and rendering, respectively.  75/25 is a greaseball mess and 95/5 (usually sirloin) will be dry, tasteless and probably turn to dust if you blow on it after taking it off the grill.

2.) the grill should be very hot.  i wish i knew what temperature but i don't.  for propane grills i just turn the thing up all the way.  no need for pam spray or any of that nonsense.  because of the magical scientific properties of the 80/20 ratio (the golden ratio of burgers) and the way the fat renders, you will have no burgers stuck to the grill.

3.) patties: just beef, seasoned with salt and pepper.  no bullshit burger seasonings, fillers, binders, incantations, divine inclinations, or hopeless aspirations.  the act of placing raw meat over a heat source is a sacred act in itself.  no celebrity endorsed seasonings required.

4:) patties(deux): as thin as you can make them, which in all honesty won't be that thin due to the mystical, ancient and wonderful properties of the 80/20 beef ratio.  a burger press is the easiest way to go.  this is a good one.  BEWARE:  very thick patties do not cook right (professional chefs ignore.  i am enamored of your thick and delicious burgers and will always be in awe of your culinary prowess).  the hot grill will leave your burgers badly charred on the outside and undercooked on the inside, which can possibly...possibly...lead to salmonella poisoning and, rarely, e coli poisoning. 

5:) whatever you do, don't smash the patties with your spatula.  the burger will be just greasy enough but not disgustingly or gratuitously so, so smashing is counterproductive to your meat experience.  remember how i said the 80/20 had ancient mystical properties?  submit to the power of the 80/20!  let the beef do the hard work!  trust the beef!  if you are afraid of a little bit of grease then go eat a salad.

6.) cook the burgers about 8 minutes per side.  flip the burgers only once, twice if you are unsure.  it's ok to be unsure.  i will share an insider tip:  after you flip the burger, there will be red juices coming out of it.  when the juices run clear, put the cheese of your choosing on (i prefer medium cheddar), turn off the heat and close the lid of the propane grill and let them sit in the residual heat for about two minutes.  your burgers will be juicy with the slightest hue of pink.  just the slightest.  for charcoal grills just put the cheese on, take them off and let them sit on the platter for a minute or two.  you won't get the same amazing melty cheese effect but you have that awesome charcoal taste.  life is a trade off.  you can't have it all.

ahh yes, so a wonderful person captured a shot of the elusive viking in action over a handcrafted brick fire pit, roasting a marshmallow so large that it is illegal in 17 states: