the constructive way to hate yourself. no really, it's ok.

so the other week it was pouring rain and i was sitting on a forklift in said rain unloading a semi-truck full of several tens of thousands of dollars worth of commercial refrigeration.  it was freezing.  steve and i are getting it inside as quickly as possible, which was not nearly quick enough.  45 minutes later we are still outside and soaked all the way through.  steve asks:

'do you hate yourself, ballard?'

my answer was a resounding drenched and shivering yes.

'then you're doing it right'

this exchange happens several times a day.  it happened the other week when i was crating a comically large commercial band saw.  i might as well have been building a shed for a small automobile.  made me wish my arms were longer...if you asked me if i hated myself i would have said yes.

i mean for serious?

i don't really hate myself.   "hate" itself is a very powerful word- starting off with the soft 'h' sound and ending with a hard 't' made by the tongue smacking the back of the teeth.  very often in a negative context, it sounds like what it is and has an ugly connotation.  in these moments what i'm really feeling is "i will vanquish my foes and i will anchor myself to this intense desire to do so."  sometimes this intermingles with the questioning my life decisions but those usually subside after awhile.

there's a story bouncing around the internet of leonard cohen writing "hallelujah." i can't really trace the original source so i don't know if all of it is entirely true or not.  the story says he drafted about 80 verses and at one point in the process he was sitting on the floor in his underwear beating his head on the floor.  if this is true he was probably hating himself, read: 'intensely anchored to the burning desire to write the living blue shit out of this song'.  there were probably some sporadic moments of self doubt regarding life choices that were made as well...

in the global sense it reminds me to stay motivated but also to feel what i'm doing.  to really feel, to put a bit of myself into what i do.  what you do can make a difference and that is one of the things that makes life worth living.  the deeper part of this is the calming good that comes from the knowledge of putting a spiritual signature on the things you do- be it unloading a truck, writing a bit of music, moving furniture or just preparing a meal.

  or demolition work.  get it mr. al...

sometimes it involves beating your head on the floor whilst in your underwear .  that just means you're doing it right.