bill cosby and me

so today, after installing a heavy ass pizza oven i came home and showered and went to run for the bill cosby show.  as soon as i got to centerstage i roll out to pick up a pizza: fresh basil with the bottom crust burned.  delicious.  then he asks for me.

usually i prefer not to meet famous people.  i'm not into the whole cult of personality thing and would prefer to shoot the shit with the production guys, and they have really interesting things to say.  but this a small production and there's not a lot of that.  usually these guys have handlers and assistants who intercept and relay everything going to or from said famous people.  but apparently he didn't have any of that.

so i walk in his dressing room.  'hank' he says, 'hank ballard!'

he cuts right to the chase.  i am instructed to get smoothies but he wanted the protein smoothie.  he asks my what i know about protein powder, and that opened the flood gate.  are you lactose intolerant, i ask, are you allergic to soy, whey is tastier but it just does not blend as well.  i informed him that soy can lower your sperm count, at which point he looked down the front of his pants and said 'not to worry, i'm good for another nine months'.  i must have missed something.  we start talking about eating food that has been left out for several days.  i tell him that i do this with pizza.  then he says, and i quote: "pizza left at room temperature for a period of time develops a fungus that cures the clap and increases sperm production threefold."  amazing what you learn!

so i go get his smoothies, drop them off at the jefferson and bring him some coffee.  at this point there are several well dressed gentlemen in his dressing room.  he stops the conversation and says "hank tell them what you know about the resiliency of sperm."  so i go into my soy thing and start to say i am a connoisseur of protein powder. 

'a connoisseur of elongated bullshit!' he interjects

'true story' i say, 'i get it from my father'

'then it's a family disease?'

'guilty as charged' says i, 'i come by it honestly'

and then i make my escape and ask the TD not to send me to mr. cosby's dressing room anymore.  fucking nuts.